What I have not been doing

I thought about updating my blog last week. Obviously, I chose not to act on that thought! Last night I started thinking about it again and a little voice in my head thought, "What would you blog about?" A conversation ensued:
"Well, I could upload recent pics and talk about those"
"So - your going to blog about.....nada - cuz that camera has a pic of Bryce with "fancy nancy hair" and a few of the cat playing with a balloon"
"Is that it?!?"
"Pretty much..."

This little mental dialogue got me thinking about not only what I have been doing, but all the things I used to do that I have not been doing. Let me explain.

I had to slow way down for health reasons a couple months ago. It was VERY hard at first, so I started doing a lot more praying. I know myself well enough to know that letting go of expectations, especially expectations of myself, was not something I am really capable of doing. If there was going to be success in this endeavor, I would clearly need a miracle.

Many hundreds of short, pleading prayers later - I am amazed by God. Not only am I finding myself letting go and really slowing down - I am LIKING it. For those of you who know me well - and maybe even for those who don't- just image an afternoon where I sit in my not perfectly clean house sipping hot cocoa and hand sewing. Perfectly relaxed, I stay here for a whole hour. I do not fret over the pile of laundry downstairs or the dinner I have yet to plan or prepare. Was that hard to imagine? Well it happened, viola, a MIRACLE.

Maybe even more amazing on the afternoon I just described was what I was doing. I was present. Actually in the moment with a clear, peaceful mind. I spent a good part of that hour talking with God. It was wonderful.

I have been learning that I don't have to measure my success by the length of my to do list or the number of the tasks on it that are crossed off. I am not less than if I admit to myself and others that it is impossible for me to give 110% to being a mom, wife, business owner, accountant to three business, and home maker all at the same time. As I slow down I find myself saying "no" a lot more often.

I do not enjoy the stress that used to feed me nearly as much as I like waking up without an alarm, having a quiet moment of prayer to start my day, and spending the bulk of it playing with Bryce or really being present as I do bookwork or clean up my house.

I asked for a lot during my pleading desperate early prayers for help in this area. God is giving me far more than I asked for. Not only do I feel calm, I am learning to discern where my stressors are inhibiting me and to let those things go without guilt. I have been surprised to learn that I get stressed out by activities that involve deadlines and I find a full schedule overwhelming. I feel anxious without a buffer of several "free" hours in my week. All of these discoveries are in direct contrast to the way I was conducting my day to day life. In the end, I had become so busy that I had no time to be still. No time to come to know myself or God very well at all.

In all my new found free time I find myself exploring all kinds of things. I have quilted some, which I find I really do enjoy. I have been reading the bible a lot more. I have been doing craft project for and with Bryce. I have been purging, giving away, reorganizing, and simplifying. I have been praying more. I have been spending more QUALITY time with my amazing husband. I have been playing cards with Bryce - she is turning into a card shark! Mostly, I have been learning to like this new, more authentic me. A woman who loves a good party once she is there, but is really happy to stay home in her jammy pants. A person who likes to move at her own pace and prefers to have plenty of time to meet deadlines or make preparations. A woman who really dislikes planning dinner - (this one really suprised me!)

I certainly have days where I fall back into my old pattern. Over-booking, over-extending, making choices that please others instead of choices that are right for me- stressed and wired days. Luckily those days are getting fewer.

My prayer is that all the people that I love so much find the kind of peace and overflowing joy that you can feel when you connect with who you really are. That person that you try hard not to be because they are ____ (fill in the blank). God loves that person you are hiding - not the facade you have put on. He knows your real heart and not only does he love it anyway - he has glorious plans for it. When you connect with Him and your authentic self, miracles begin to manifest in your life. He has the power to help you find the true you, teach you, lead you....and the experience is AWESOME.